The SOTU on Truth Serum

My fellow Americans, tonight I’m going to be straight forward and rather than hold a political rally or berate the judicial branch of government, I’m going to stick to the state of our union.

Let me begin by discussing our foreign relations. We’re involved in two wars in which we are not fighting other countries, but are fighting against religious zealots who wish to destroy our nation, our culture and our right to religious freedom. They cannot defeat us on the field of battle and have chosen to sacrifice innocents through the practice of terrorism.

Their way of winning is to control our actions through fear. With that in mind, I am asking that we develop less intrusives means of screening potential terrorists at our airports and increase interdiction at our borders.

In the past, I gave deadlines for our withdrawal and had to retract those promises because reality is a harsh mistress. The war in Iraq and the war in Afghanistan are different. In Iraq, the people have shown a real interest in freedom. Many Iraqi policemen have been killed by suicide bombers, car bombs and IEDs. Still, they continue to sign up to be policemen and serve their country. For this reason, we will continue our commitment to the people of Iraq, but they need to understand that we cannot remain in Iraq over a long period of time. Americans will leave Iraq when we believe it can remain stable on its own.

I know many of you want us to withdraw from Iraq immediately, but we cannot afford to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory. To leave now would jeopardize all we have accomplished and leave a free Iraq at the mercy of internal terrorists and oppressive theocracies such as its neighbor Iran.

In Afghanistan, President Hamid Karzai has shown himself to be an opportunist and a coward, unable to commit to the freedom of his people. Karzai has continued his relationship with members of the Taliban, narco-terrorists and drug warlords, such as his own brother. A free country cannot be built on the foundation of such a corrupt state. We will not begin withdrawal of troops from Afghanistan at this time; however, because we need to invade northwest Pakistan where we are fairly certain that Osama bin Ladin is hiding like the coward he is.

While we do not wish to destabilize our ally Pakistan, we also know that the continued presence of bin Ladin will definitely cause the collapse of that government. We are asking the Pakistani government to clear all of its troops from that region until such time as we are convinced that bin Ladin is dead, captured and in our hands, or located in another country. In addition, we ask that civilians offer no resistance if they do not wish to be harmed. We have been patient long enough and we will bring all available resources to bear so that this criminal will be brought to justice.

In the area of trade, free trade only works if it is free on both sides. Our trade agreements with China now hinge upon the opening of China’s markets and proof that they are cracking down on the multi-billion dollar piracy of American trademarks and copyrights, especially intellectual properties such as software, music, movies and patents. This must end or we will close down our markets completely to goods of Chinese manufacture. Currently we have a $200 billion trade deficit to China. They need us more than we need them.

On the domestic side, we are in trouble.

We are approaching our debt limit of $14.3 trillion dollars. Over the past decade we have spent a tremendous amount of money in an attempt to make the country prosperous. That idea, which I was convinced was a good one, has failed. We must allow the private sector to grow. In order to do that, I am proposing three things.

First, I want to meet with a committee of committed deficit hawks from both sides of the aisle. We will consider all things, with the exception of the commitments we have made retirees and those within 10 years of retirement. We will look at all government subsidies and sweetheart deals. As a sign of commitment from our party, I will ask for the repeal of the Davis-Bacon Act, and related laws, which cause our government to spend far more money than necessary to appeal to our union friends.

Second, I will form a group similar to the Grace Commission to examine regulations and see which ones can be either revamped or repealed to make it easier to do business in this country. We have handcuffed business and asked it to carry far too large of a burden in unnecessary regulations.

To show my sincerity, as of now I am withdrawing my Executive Order restricting the drilling of oil in the Gulf of Mexico. In addition, I am asking Congress to withdraw some of the more onerous, previous restrictions on all offshore drilling. I will also ask Congress to come to a compromise about Anwar. We will separate the areas of interests to tourists and reasonable environmental concerns, while allowing small footprint drilling for oil.

Also, concerning energy, I am asking the energy companies to construct three additional oil refineries. We will waive any unnecessary regulations while maintaining necessary controls to protect the environment. In exchange, I ask the oil companies to construct at least two of the three away from areas likely to be impacted by hurricanes.

I will also ask the auto manufacturers to lend us a hand. The American people were generous with their assistance and now we need help. I ask that 50% of all internal combustion engines made in the US, be altered to accept concentrated natural gas as fuel. This will result in lower uses of petroleum and we have natural gas in abundance.

Finally, regarding energy, I will ask Congress to consider a law rewarding retail manufacturers for installing energy stations for electric automobiles in their parking lots. The technology is available to allow consumers to swipe a credit card so that their vehicle can be charging as the customer shops. Enough of these retail outlets across the nation will increase the viability of electric cars and decrease our dependence on foreign oil.

Third, this is a much longer term solution, but I will ask for another committee to review our income tax situation. For individuals, sole ownership businesses, partnerships and S-Corporations any person of average intelligence with a high-school diploma and a decent command of the English language should be able to complete a tax form and have 100% certainty that they have accurately completed their forms and paid the proper amount.

In exchange for this, I ask the following from conservatives. All farm subsidies to C-Corporations should be ended as of the end of this fiscal year. Credit Card companies will not be limited in the interest rates they charge, but they cannot change the interest rates on money previously lent to consumers, so that prior balances remain at the same rate of interest. Penalties for late fees can be increased to help compensate for this loss of income.

I also ask for a bill to subsidize medical schools’ expansion and interest free loans to students in medical schools. In return, while I do not favor making malpractice lawsuits go away or capping damages, I do favor limiting them to situations where real malpractice or negligence can be shown. This should help lower doctors’ insurance rates while simultaneously allowing the protection of patients.

Finally, I ask for a real review of our health care system. Republicans and Democrats agree that the current system is broken, but disagree on the solutions. Let’s find the common ground and enact those laws so that improvements can be made.

Thank you and may God continue to bless the United States of America.