Friday, November 25, 2011

50 Job Ideas for Joe Biden in 2013

In a spirit of cooperation, and because I'll be doing everything I can to evict the current residents of the White House in 2012, I think we may need some type of outbound job placement. Well, not for the President or Mrs. Obama. They're set for life. There will be book deals and I'm fairly certain that there will be plenty of "business" opportunities in Chicago for the two of them. No, the Obamas will end up quite wealthy.

Dr. Jill Biden has a doctorate in education and two masters degrees and actually holds down a job as an English professor at Northern Virginia Community College, so it's Joe that's likely to be a drag on society.

Joe Biden presidential campaign, 2008
Vice President Joe Biden
Image via Wikipedia
I have taken Joe's abilities and his likely connections into account while preparing this list. There is even speculation that Biden will be dropped from the Democratic ticket  next year. I've also taken that into account. encourage you to submit your own suggestions in the comments section. My suggestions for Joe Biden (Tweet hash #jobs4joe):

Job Suggestions For Joe:

1.  Donald Trump Apprentice - That should last for a good two hours - If The Donald is in a good mood.

2.  Manager of GM's new wind-powered car division. If anyone's got the wind, it's Joe.

3.  Public relations consultant for Charlie Sheen

4.  Dr. Teeth's stunt double on the next Muppets movie

5.  Night manager at Denny's - "I'm shooting for a job at IHOP. After all, I have lots of experience with international relationships - - and pancakes."

6.  Based on his experience, the perfect Vice-President of the Hair Club for Men: “ . . . And there were almost no ingrown hair plugs.”

7.  Chief field tester for child-proof caps

8.  All together now: Joe the Plumber! "Toilet backed up? After four years in this administration I am uniquely qualified to identify and deal with crap."

9.  Lightning rod tester, experimental design department, United Laboratories (UL)

10. Daytime Talkshow co-host: “C’mon Kelly, let’s see your biceps again! Hey! I wonder what Regis is up to? Let’s give him a call.”

11. Spokesman for the one-man protest: Occupy West Wing

12. Challenge Obama in the primaries: “I promise to not do a damned thing, which is a lot better than the past four years. And, unlike the current President I will choose a competent VP!”
13. First contestant on Jeff Foxworthy’s new show “Are You Smarter Than A First-Grader?”

14. Ambassador to Utopia, Shambala and Greater Downtown Atlantis

15. Translator of all of Isaac Hayes lyrics into Martian: "Shaft! Hunnhh! Can you grok it?"

16. Yet another brilliant, completely neutral MSNBC talkshow host, asking the tough questions: “And so, Newt, before you killed and ate your entire family did you say grace or are you just another Republican hypocrite?”

17. Mattress quality assurance inspector

18. Gypsy Joe the Fortune Teller: “I see 500,000 jobs a month in your future.” Yes, after the administration change.

19. Meet Gladys Knight’s newest Pip!

20. Meet the new proprietor of Joe’s Java Jive – “What do you mean I have to provide for their healthcare? Are you crazy?”

21. Toothpick whittler

22. Interpreter for Howard Dean:  “Yeeeeeeeeehaaaaaaaaawwwww!” "I'll translate. It's Liberal Democrat spoken in the New England dialect. The loose translation is 'I'm crazier than a bedbug and nuttier than a fruitcake' but you folks already knew that." 

23. Nevada whorehouse owner. Its new slogan? “This is a big f#*%ing deal!” Joe is well-qualified. If anyone knows about screwing the American public, it's a guy who's spent nearly four decades in Washington.

24. NBA Players' Union representative

25. After a four-year internship under the expert:  Community organizer

26. New member of the Crash Test Dummies – The band, that is. I’m not cruel. Joe could play percussion – with his head.

27. Actor/writer/producer/director who waits on customers at Trader Vic’s to ‘research roles’

28. New sidekick and insult foil for Greg Gutfeld on Redeye! Sorry Bill Schulz, but even at 3 AM, Joe is clearly more repulsive.

29. GI Joe: Fulfill his lifelong dream: Conquer the entire Delmarva Peninsula in the name of Delaware.

30. ACLU Executive Director, Mordor Division

31. Speech writer for Neil Kinnock - If you don't remember why this is funny, look it up.

32. Mike Rowe understudy on “Dirty Jobs”. (Non-sequitur alert! What’s it called when Mike Rowe raises his hand in greeting? Why it’s a Mike Rowe wave. Of course.)

33. Solar panel salesman, greater Seattle area

34. Curator of the museum of great Will Ferrell movies – “Welcome to the ‘Elf’ wing of our museum . . . Have some complimentary salsa made from the actual tomatoes thrown at the premier.”

35. Spokesman for Dr. Scholl’s Insoles:  “Not only are they comfortable, but Mmmmmm Tasty!

36. Stagehand, Victoria's Secret Fashion Show - "It doesn't pay much, but wow! Why do they call it a "Secret Fashion Show" and then advertise it? I don't get it."

37. Acting role (as himself): Barney Stinson’s really real illegitimate father in “How I Met Your Mother”

38. Travel agent for Syrian President Bashar al-Assad - "Yep, I got a big payday coming."

39. Professional dental enhancement model! Have you seen those choppers?!?!

40. Broker for buddy Jon Corzine's new investment firm, FU Global

41. Introducing Snow White and the eight dwarves – Doc, Happy, Bashful, Grumpy, Dopey, Sneezy, Sleepy and the newest dwarf: Sleazy Joe

42. Working at a certain top secret position in the UK: “Biden.   Joe Biden. Yes, really. Wanna see my license to kill?”

43. Labor organizer for the Unemployed. Motto? "Always on strike!"

44. New mascot for the Washington Nationals: Shoeless Joe from Hannibal, MO

45. Bank teller, as soon as all of those job-killing ATMs are outlawed

46. Joe Sixpack - Self-explanatory. I'm thinking Joe's a Heineken kind of guy; a little pretentious for no apparent reason.

47. Reality touchstone for Arianna Huffington and copy editor for The Huffington Compost

48. Roller Derby Commissioner

49. Teleprompter technician

50. Three words: "Welcome to Walmart."

Bonus Jobs:

51. Hunter-Gatherer: Pretty much the same job we'll all have if his boss is re-elected.

52. Operator, Intergalactic and Intertemporal Fish Sticks & Custard Stand: Dr. Who fans will understand

53. Tour Guide, Area 51: Joe's presence will assure that aliens are not the strangest part of the tour

by Ken Carroll

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